Black-Eyed Kids Available Here
An alien abduction happens in the backyard while college students are partying their brains out.
Black-Eyed Kids is full of intentional stereotypes and irreverent illogic, set in a Spooky Cabin in the Woods. Things gets really weird when Mishiko Mahono, a stereotype of the “Anime-character of the Cute Little Japanese Schoolgirl with Pretty Feet,” is abducted by aliens. She is to undergo a no-anesthesia vivisection as part of a human anatomy lesson to alien school children. She’s good with this, because the aliens have reassured her that she would live through it and be back in a couple of days, good as new, no scars. She enjoys her vivisection, due to her surgery fetish.
Her friends call the Men in Black, who are in the phone book under Aliens – Abduction. Agents FM and DSB investigate, and give them the good news that she’ll be back in a couple of days. Complications arise when a couple of alien school kids steal one of her kidneys and two liters of her blood. The whole procedure removes twelve liters from her tiny body.
The Black-Eyed Kids, notorious for being able to suck the soul from a human, crash the party. They attack Agent DSB, leaving her in an apelike state. The MiB increase their presence, but lose more agents. One of the students discovers their weakness: A soul must be present in order for the attack to work. Francine, the stereotypical Ginger, red hair, green eyes, and freckles, kissed everyone at the party, stealing their souls. One kiss rendered them immune to the BEK attack, opening things up for Gingers to save the world from the BEK.
Cameo appearances include Edward & Bella, Doctor Who, a Dalek, and a badly-channeled Mister Spock. Monty Python and Douglas Adams influence the story. X-files and Doctor Who references included free of charge. People who enjoy spaceship-on-a-string science fiction and visible-zipper horror will enjoy this book, though I disappoint with lack of a zipper. Real aliens star in this book, as I have had difficulty with getting actual humans to work for me. Union rules prevent me from putting humans in alien costumes when there are real aliens about, and my studio is notorious for unsafe working conditions. I should have a price on my head in twelve systems for writing this.
Sincerely,
Kevin Zabbo (writing as Trixie Glendale)
Back Cover, Quickest-possible Synopsis and genre:
“Black-Eyed Kids” is a not-for-kids, dark comedy, WTF-is-this-guy-on sort of humor disguised as science fiction, nevermind-the-bollocks horror, and even some erotica thrown in for fun, loosely based on satire of Bad Science Fiction and Zipper-Suit Monster Horror. Word Count ~70,500. Especially for the stoners. Somehow, Sharknado worked, and “Black-Eyed Kids” actually has a plot.
First Ten Pages!!! And you thought this was just a query letter for something that’s already published!
Black Eyed Kids
By Trixie Glendale
(Kevin Zabbo writing as Trixie Glendale)
~71,000 words
“A not-for-kids, dark comedy, WTF-is-this-chick-on sort of science fiction, nevermind-the-bollocks horror, and even some erotica thrown in for fun kind of novel. For stoners and wierdos who still have the capacity to read instead of watch a film.” Edited for your reading pleasure!
First draft completed: 23 November 2015
Black-Eyed Kids
“Telepath located! It’s one of our prototypes!” The first Gray said.
“Is she awake yet?” The second Gray asked.
“Not yet. She knows she’s different, though.”
“Good, she’s almost awake. Take a saucer to earth. She’s our best one,” The Reptilian commander said.
In orbit around Io, Jupiter’s sulfur moon, a large, asteroid-shaped object quietly circled. It was a spacecraft built from a hollowed-out asteroid, sent by a distant civilization to collect biological data on some of their prototype-brained humans.
These humans look and act just like anyone else, except they’re brilliant beyond brilliance. Nerds and geeks are often seen in their company, or they themselves are classified among humans as nerds or geeks.
A large and grumpy Reptilian commanded the saucer. The third Gray, a humanoid, a Nelumbo, and two other Grays were also in the landing party as the giant facility launched a small shuttle saucer toward Earth.
“My dad gave me the keys to the spooky cabin in the woods for getting my bachelor’s degree, come on over, it’s the best place to party!” Brian Wolf said excitedly in his message. Brian just earned a bachelor of science in biology, and had hopes of finding a good graduate school. His grades and recommendations were good enough.
“I graduated with you, I’ll bring you a housewarming gift. I have just the thing, too!” Francine Warren said. Francine Warren was an engineering student at Brown University. She stood a little over six feet tall, and her thick mass of fiery red hair and freckles were always the first things anyone noticed about her. She had a lean figure and mild muscle definition. She spent time at the gym, and it showed, especially since she almost always wore yoga pants and tight shirts.
She was a friendly and sweet young lady, always giving a hug and a kiss when she greeted people.
“What is it?”
“It’s a surprise. I’ll call a few people, you call a few people, and between the two of us, we can make that old and haunted-looking cabin into a really awesome place to party.”
“That’s what I have in mind. So, what is it?”
“Sorry sweetie, no spoilers.”
“The writer knows what it is, that’s not fair!”
“It’s his job to know, and mine to keep it a secret from you. That’s how these plot magnets work to get people to read. Now, between you and I, we have to get our writer to make us fun and lively, so don’t be like your stick-in-the-mud parents, and show the people you know how to rock and roll. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“See you then,” Brian said, and hung up the phone. He got to work right away at making a universal text message to everyone in his phone book, and got a positive reply from a few of them. “Party at my Spooky Cabin in the Woods. BYOB, Intoxication, fornication, and loud music! Starts Friday!”
In between text messages, he cleaned out his new cabin, which had lain empty for six years. The place was secure when he got there, but dust bunnies had taken over. His parents had called the proper authorities to have power, water, and Internet connected when he moved in.
“Brian, just because you graduated doesn’t mean the work is over. I expect you back for your undergrad work next year. Dr. Johnson,” read the only reply that wasn’t from someone on their way to get drunk.
“Doc J, I will be returning to college after a short time off, perhaps a couple of semesters. Thanks for thinking of me,” he texted back, and then returned to work cleaning up.
He faced the dust bunnies. He stared them down, looking them in their beady little eyes as they waited patiently for him to get close enough. They greeted him with claws sharp as razors and sharp as spears, and Big Sharp Teeth aimed at his throat, ready to destroy the very fiber of his being with a single glance from their x-ray cannon eyes… oops, sorry, this is not the description of Brian’s case of dust bunny overpopulation. Brian’s dust bunny population explosion is mostly harmless, not a tooth or claw among the lot. Those other creatures are from an upcoming science fiction novel.
It wasn’t long into the dusting phase of things that he realized a broom wasn’t going to work against the hordes of dust bunnies, so he went to his tool shed and found a shop vacuum. For the rest of the hour, he sucked up a godzillion dust bunnies and their cybernetic nurseries, wreaking bunnycide through the entire house. He took out eight whole tubs of vacuumed-up corpses of dust bunnies, and finished during the ninth. He emptied it out, and put the vacuum back in the tool shed, to make sure the evil dust bunnies stayed out.
He looked around to admire his cleaning work. His cabin now sparkled.
He saw a partially naked couple on his couch, getting it on.
“Edward and Bella, I should have known you two would break in and try to get laid on the sofa. Go back to your own set if you have to sparkle, this one is mine!” Brian said.
“Sorry, Brian, we thought this cabin was abandoned,” Bella said.
“When I want you two back, I’ll read your books. Got it?”
“Not our television series?” Bella asked.
“Especially not your television series, now get out before I stake your sorry-ass excuse of an actor!”
“Yes, sir,” Edward said, and the two left the scene in a hurry.
“Trixie! Hey, Miss Writer! Trixie Glendale! Yes, YOU!” Said Brian excitedly.
“What is it?” I asked, wondering why one of my characters are speaking to me and not through me.
“Would you please help me close the doors to the set? There have been three unwanted visitors from other sets, one from Monty Python and two from Twilight. Who’s next?”
“Sorry about that, Brian. Places! All hands, secure the hatches, rig for heavy weather, lights! Action! Camera!” I said, and slipped back into obscurity to type the story.
Brian raised an eyebrow at the writer and got on with organizing his cabin, but this time he didn’t mind when he got unexpected visits from Mister Clean and the Janitor in a Drum, both of whom cleaned like crazy, and that dude that did the Grainger supervisor voice, who helped him get things done. Mister Clean shut the door behind himself, and Brian locked it behind him. It was almost the last door to be locked. His world was almost safe enough to have that party house he’d always wanted, without interruptions from nearby sets, so he went around closing doors for over an hour.
He really didn’t want a visit from the likes of H. P. Lovecraft, so he double-checked that door and added a very heavy, pentagram-shaped chain to its Seal against the Ancient Ones.
He made sure that Poe’s raven stayed in its cage, well-fed, forevermore!
He welded the cell door shut when he found the Alcatraz door. He didn’t want any escapes from there!
He bricked up a door that would have let Jimmy Hoffa in. The news would have a field day on that one!
He unplugged the power coupling to the transporter pads. There was no way something was going to be beaming itself into his party. With his luck, a couple of guys in red shirts would find their way in, and at college house parties, accidents do happen. He didn’t want anyone dying on his watch.
He painted a wall where he found a painted railway tunnel. No way was the Roadrunner and Coyote going to chase each other around his freshly-cleaned cabin!
He was exhausted when Francine showed up, but his energy quickly returned when she and four others got out of her Cadillac with two kegs of beer and a keg cooler. She gave him the keg cooler is the housewarming present.
Over the course of two more hours, people showed up, and had parked the length of the driveway with cars, vans, and motorcycles. Lots of beer flowed from the taps and coolers as they partied right through sunset.
It was after sunset that things started really picking up.
Sarah-Jane Grant and Michael Sanders showed up in an antique yellow Bentley she affectionately named Betsy, and found a spot on the back lawn to enjoy a little primitive time with Michael.
Francine Warren enjoyed herself, drinking beer and smoking every joint that came her way.
A yellow Toyota pulled up, and Mishiko Mahono got out with Carlos Pietra. Mishiko was a Cute Little Japanese Schoolgirl with Pretty Feet, straight out of an Anime cartoon set, who was also a brilliant exchange student in the medicine trades and Carlos was an exchange student from the Dominican Republic, also a medical student. They each carried two cases of beer to the cabin, and for their introductory stunt, Mishiko had Carlos insert a nasogastric tube into her nose as a feeding tube. She drank beer from a cut-off and inverted two-liter soda bottle adapted to the NG tube. She carried her beer around on an ambulatory IV pole, and dumped beer in her bottle to drink it. As she poured beer into her funnel, she shed clothing.
Carlos went back out to the car for her medical kit. Mishiko would be wanting this stuff. Whenever she got drunk, she wanted to be prepared for surgery, as she had been drinking anesthetic already, might as well get the rest.
“Why are you drinking like this, Mishiko?” Brian asked as she opened up the valve. He poured in some beer for her.
“I don’t like the taste of light beer, and I want to get drunk enough to tell people I have a medical fetish,” she said as she danced around her IV pole, shedding her clothes. She was down to her underwear.
“You just told me, does that mean you’re drunk enough?”
“Give me a few more bottles full, and I’ll let you know about that fetish,” she flirted with him.
Carlos came back in, and helped Mishiko into bandages and a neck brace, and even added cardiac monitor electrodes and a portable ECG unit so that everyone can see her heart signals on a little display she hung on her shoulder.
Another car pulled up, a Chrysler convertible. Germaine Collins, an art student, drove in, with Kaiko Gekko, a philosophy student, riding shotgun, Charles Cameron, a business student from England, in the back with Jane Crawford and Veronica Gemini, both nursing students, at his side. They brought four cases of Narragansett lager. It comes in pints!
Kaiko gave Mishiko another beer, dumping it into her inverted bottle while she wobble-danced around her pole. She was getting quite drunk while Kaiko helped.
“Thanks! I have a medical fetish, in case you can’t tell,” she said with a brilliantly drunken smile. Kaiko smiled, cracked one open for herself, raised her can, and mingled. She found a drinking buddy in Adrienne Thistle, a slender blond. Adrienne Thistle was a journalism freshman, and Kaiko was a student working on a double major in philosophy and culinary art.
Francine was getting piss drunk and flirtatious, and didn’t hesitate to kiss everyone she came close to. Some of the flirts she had encountered, she had groped passionately, only to walk off to someone else at the first sign of interest. She had lost almost all of her clothes, as had most of the people. She had flirted with almost the entire party by ten and had kissed everyone, with Kaiko being her present pleasure.
Sarah-Jane and Michael came inside, and Francine flirted with her. Michael gave her a loving kiss on the lips and left his girlfriend in the arms of a pretty ginger while he got some beer. It didn’t take long for him to enjoy the company of Veronica for a little while, making out on the couch as if no one was watching. He looked up and looked around.
“Ever get the feeling that no one is watching?” He asked.
“Come to think of it, you’re right, I have that feeling, too!” She exclaimed. They looked up and around, and realized that no one was watching them. No one even glanced their way! They got back to their lovemaking session. He and Veronica had just met each other, completely naked, and both were interested at the same time. He was obviously arou…
“Writer! Point that camera somewhere else, will you please?” Veronica asked firmly but politely. I pointed the camera away and let them get it on in privacy.
Germaine walked around in his underwear, drink in hand, relatively sober. His third drink was in his hand, barely touched. He’d smoked a little weed earlier, but it wasn’t much. He liked to keep his head somewhat level. That was until he found Kaiko and Adrienne chatting away on some really heavy philosophy conversation, and dared approach.
“Good evening, ladies, mind if I join in your conversation? I love philosophy,” Germaine asked.
“It’s not really a conversation. We’re playing a drinking game, where we read aloud from a philosopher’s writings until we trip over our tongues. When we stutter or mispronounce a word, we have to drink. If you stop and try and argue philosophy with a dead guy over a point that’s been proven otherwise, you have to smoke a one-hitter out of the bong. Are you up for it? It looks like you have a head start,” Kaiko said. “We’ve had a few so far. Join us, please.”
“How can I resist! I’m in the public speaker’s club and I study philosophy. You’re on!” Germaine said.
“Roll a die, and whatever you get is what you read from. Then, you open a page at random, and read from the first paragraph you see,” Adrienne said.
Germaine took a deep breath and read from a dusty old tome of a leather bound book.
“Of the many necessary measures which this change called into being, some of the most important have been transferred with lasting success to the modern regulations of public schools: the most important of all, however, did not succeed–the one demanding that the teacher, also, should be consecrated to the new spirit, so that the aim of the public school has meanwhile considerably departed from the original plan laid down by Wolf, which was the cultivation of the pupil. The old estimate of scholarship and scholarly culture, as an absolute, which Wolf overcame, seems after a slow and spiritless struggle rather to have taken the place of the culture-principle of more recent introduction, and now claims its former exclusive rights, though not with the same frankfurters, but disgusted and with features… oops!” Germaine said.
“Drink up!” Kaiko said.
Germaine drank some of his beer.
“A little more. Six swallows minimum. The whole idea is to get fucked up,” Adrienne said. He drank the rest of his beer, burped loudly, tottered over to one side, and fell down, passed out drunk. He burped loudly again.
“Lightweights are never much fun, are they?” Kaiko said, laughed, and drank some beer. “My turn. ‘(b) Time is nothing else than the form of the internal sense, that is, of the intuitions of self and of our internal state. For time cannot be any determination of outward phenomena. It has to do neither with shape nor position; on the contrary, it determines the relation of representations in our internal state. And precisely because this infernal inspiration presents…’ my turn!”
“You just wanted an excuse to drink!”
“I don’t need an excuse,” she said, and drank a whole beer in one quaff.
Francine was taking Jane’s shirt off while at the same time trying to passionately grope her breasts. While it was erotic and passionate, this sort of multitasking wasn’t working very well. Jane was enjoying the attention, and tried repeatedly to kiss Francine. The drunken clumsiness ended when Francine reached up and grabbed Charles by his Coal Hill high school tie and gave him a sloppy and passionate French kiss. Jane walked away in a huff, complaining that Francine was too straight for her. No problem, Francine took Charles and tore his clothes off, and pounced him righteously on the living room floor.
She finished with him as Veronica walked by, ready to clean herself up after her lust with Michael, and pulled her close into a passionate kiss. She dragged Francine into the bathroom and they enjoyed a shower together, leaving Charles to fend for himself, unfinished.
Germaine woke up and staggered to the fireplace. He was a wreck, completely intoxicated, and barely able to stand. He sat down off to the side of the hearth and put his hands to his temples, looked around, and puked into the ash bucket. He sat there with green slime vomit on his face and drooled on himself, soiling his shirt irreparably while muttering some gibberish about the ancient ones and how the portal is open, and poodles. He farted loudly and passed out.
Michael looked around for Veronica and found her in the shower with Francine, and joined them. Adrienne and Kaiko had enjoyed a few minutes of passion and joined Michael, Veronica, and Francine in the shower. Before long, Jane and Charles had joined the shower, too. Eventually, everyone was in the shower except Germaine, who still drooled on himself by the fireplace, and Mishiko, who had enjoyed more beer and was now flipping the channels on the television in a drunken fury.
It was then that an ancient Chevrolet Bel-Air pulled up with Drew Yary and Mandy Lupton. They had just gotten out of the victory party that Brown University held because they scored a close victory against Swan Point. It was a close game, and even though they won, Brown didn’t beat the spread, but they finally won against Swan Point, their most vicious rival on the field. No one was happy about that except the bookies. They held their own party. Everyone else lost, the Bears didn’t even beat the spread at 7-3.
Drew and Mandy knocked on the door, but no one in the shower heard them over the loud music. Mishiko answered the door and let them in. They helped themselves to a draught from the keg, and just as they had taken their first sip of beer, the showering party came out of the bathroom, naked and wet.
Francine wasted no time in throwing herself at Drew and Mandy, planting a kiss between them.
“Welcome to my new house, and congrats on a game well-played,” Brian said, shaking Drew’s hand.
“That game sucked! We didn’t beat the spread!” Drew said.
“I’m sure you played your best.”
“It was a seven point spread! One touchdown!”
“Better luck next time, but meanwhile, it doesn’t matter here, have some weed and relax,” Francine said. Drew smiled, and took a big hit off of the bong that Francine passed to him.
“Let’s get these clothes off of them,” Adrienne said, and began helping Drew out of his clothes. Kaiko tried to help Mandy, but Mandy insisted she do it herself.
“I’m faithful to Drew, only he can touch my body,” Mandy said prudishly as she removed her bra. Once it was off, she grabbed Francine by the back of her head and planted a big wet kiss on her lips, “stolen kisses don’t count as cheating.”
“We brought more beer. There’s four more kegs in my car,” Drew said.
“I’ll help you get them,” Brian said, and dragged a keg while Drew held one on each shoulder and carried them inside. Drew came out and got the one in the car, and picked up the one Brian was still dragging, and carried it in like anyone else would a couple of cans of soda.
“Thanks, but I do this for a living now,” Drew said.
Francine smiled as a cute and naked Mandy joined her hunk of a football player in the drinking and dancing that followed. People took turns queuing-up music to the player, plugging their SmartPhones into whatever socket they could, clamoring to load their songs into the queue. By the end of the night, everyone’s music collection was queued up on random, giving them well over a year of loud music without a song repeat.
Mishiko remained in front of the television, searching for something that wasn’t on. She surfed furiously, changing channels at one a second. Her frustration came from the technical difficulty that the Guide Channel was having, and that Brian’s parents had set the place up with nearly a quarter million channels of information available, including a state-of-the-art ham radio shack and a working rotary-dial telephone. There were even two tin cans on a string arranged in such a way that someone on the back porch could call someone by the river, simply by speaking into the can. The Spooky Cabin in the Woods was wired for sound.
It was a little while of a mix of pop music, country, techno, electronic, weird-ass jazz, and rap, and all kinds of dancing and passionate gropes and Francine kissing everyone who came close enough to grab before Beethoven’s third symphony came on, putting everyone into a passionately intellectual sort of mood.
Mishiko was alone, and finally found what she wanted. She rubbed, caressed, and pleasured herself while watching an open-heart surgery being performed on the screen.
Kaiko paired off with Adrienne again, and got quite stoned in the kitchen while smoking a huge joint.
“I’m tired of that intellectual shit, I want to talk about soap operas or something completely worthless to the human race,” Adrienne said.
“I have the munchies. Damn you, Devil Weed! I’m trying to watch my figure!”
“The way you play in the gym, you can afford to raid the fridge.”
She opened the refrigerator and found it empty and off-smelling.
“That sucks! He just got this place today, I think we should order pizza,” Kaiko said. Adrienne called the only “24-hour pizza delivery service in the world” and had twelve pizzas delivered. They shared an extra-large Supreme with anchovies and let everyone else hoover-up the other eleven.
“I’m stuffed!” Kaiko said, and grabbed Charles. “Charles, you’re coming with me! I want some! Give it up!”
“Aren’t you with Adrienne?”
“I’m with anyone I damned well feel like being with, and I feel like being with you. Let’s get private.”
Adrienne planted a kiss on Kaiko’s lips. “Have fun,” she said with a smile, and joined the rest of the party.
Meanwhile, outside, and because of the loud music and diverted attentions, no one heard the gentle and relaxing hum, nor did they see the warm purple light overhead. They didn’t see the flying saucer as it banked left and followed the river upstream.
“Telepath has been located, one of the females in that structure is our specimen. We have to try to get her alone,” one of the Grays said to the other. “It is ill-advised to try at this moment.”
“She must be captured alive and unharmed,” the other Gray said.
“What of the others?” A third Gray asked.
“The others, while they are of no consequence, should be left in as pristine a condition as possible. They might be our next specimen choices, we do not know yet. So we must be as gentle as possible,” said the Reptilian commander reluctantly. He had to follow procedures here. He was normally a military type who preferred to shoot at his targets rather than capture them alive. One could tell by looking at this creature that he commanded respect. He would also much rather have torn her apart on the battlefield than bring her in alive and well, but the orders were the orders, and that’s what soldiers do. He never ever questioned orders, even the ones that made no sense.
“I have an idea,” said the first Gray.
Brian approached Mishiko with two cups of beer while she was enjoying herself watching, now a live classroom video from London University’s medical campus. The students were taking turns giving each other awake airway intubations. She was watching the gag reflex demonstration on a cute Irish girl. It wasn’t easy to intubate her, because she was giggling about something.
Now that I have your attention, can I have $5.99 for the rest?
Black-Eyed Kids 